If only we could apparate.......

Apparate: A spell used by witches and wizards to travel from one place to another instantaneously. This is the term used when the witch or wizard appears. -- Courtesy, Harry Potter glossary

Saturday morning... post brunch... sticky summer... 20min walk to the bus stop... You know how it is... You just wish you could be transported to the spot of desire in the blink of an eye. Thats when I thought of apparation. How it would be if we could apparate from one place to the other. Instantly. My roomie and I were walking to the bus stop and she being almost as Harry Potter frenzied as I, I mentioned this to her. And within seconds.....

These were some of the initial consequences I could think of...
1) Ofcourse all sorts of transportation would be decommisioned - Bus/train/road/air travel wasnt ever required once you could just wish to be someplace and find yourself in it!
2) The economy of the world would crash - Think of it.. It would be enough for any one family to have a single house in one place. Example - If you had a house in India... why would you pay rent here in the US? You could simply apparate from the university to your very own home for tea/a nap/dinner/TV and what not? This is just one of the simple consequences. Think of everything you do/buy on a daily basis and you'll realize the magnitude of things that will get affected.
3) Accidents!! - There would millions of apparation accidents that have to occur with people vanishing all over the place. If the concentration levels aren't so great, it would result in splinching! (Splinching: Injury caused by careless apparation where the wizard/witch leaves behind body parts and are not transported in whole to the destination of choice) With this, we can be rest-assured to find eyes/ears and what not in all sorts of places!
4) Ministry of Magic - It would be ludicrous to suggest that one could apparate without a governing body. Ofcourse a ministry would evolve to help set things right, if not to regulate things from going wrong!

Ok ok... I am sure most of this just flew right over some people's heads.. But those were just the practical consequences I thought of.. Imaginatively there could be a lot lot more! It then occurred to me that with the possibility of apparation, it wasn't right to want to apparate from anywhere-everywhere! So, I thought up some basic guidelines that apparation would have to comply with...
1) Age restriction - Apparation strictly allowed only at the age of 16 - we don't need kids splinching all over the place!
2) Minimum and Maximum distances - Ofcourse this is essential. Think about it... If there were no restrictions, given the lazy bums that people are, they would apparate from the bottom of the stairs to the top! There has to be a minimum of 250 miles distance (~4hr driving distance) and a maximum of say, 3000 miles (I'm guessing india will be in this range.. hehe) from place to place. For everything else, use the fully developed transportation system! Lets not crash the economy more than we should!!
3) Apparation contracts - It would be illogical to suggest that once you reach one place, Rule 2 still applies and you could simply add on the distances by multiple appearances. Thats not only unfair, but stupid as well. Like we have wireless provider contracts (T-Mobile, Verizon, blah blah), there should be apparation contractors with different schemes. Ideally, a person should sign a year's contract for a stupendous amount of money (which would include a training in apparation, and a choice of 5 destinations they would want to apparate from 1 central location they choose)
Example: For me, Central Location(current): Cincinnati, OH
Five Destinations: (1) Chennai, India (Duh!)
(2) New York, NY
(3) Paris, France
(4) Egypt
(5) Australia
Everything else, I can pay n travel!
3) Contract renewal - Every contract needs to be renewed... once again at a stupendous fee.. but you get to choose a different central location and a 5 different destinations (if you want to!)

I could go on and this really set my imagination on fire! So I request whoever reads this to come up with their central location and their 5 destinations... will make interesting revelations about yourself, if I daresay!

Back-to-imagination-mode..
Jaya

'Arranged Marriage' goes hi-fi!

Note: The following is written in light vein. I have nothing against the process of arranged marriage. This is just a personal view of the modern transformation of the traditional arranged marriage.

I don't think your parents like it too much if you are single and happy and importantly, a girl at 24 . I mean, they do the best they can to pretend they are really ok with the situation and that they will give you "all the time in the world that you require" to deal with it... But in reality, they aren't ok and at best, "all the time in the world" is about 2 months before the topic is broached again.

I have had my share of 'putting it away', of making thesis the biggest burden that humanity saw, of claiming 'I dont have the time for all this 'nonsense''. I held on to this for quite sometime. My parents were really better off than many others I know. But they weren't really different. I dont know about the other communities, but if you TamBrahm, you are likely to know that 'The Hindu' Matrimony and tamilmatrimony are your sworn enemies with huge listings of all the eligible people in the required caste. Having done the procedure through and through for a close relative, I am very familiar with the 'chevvai doshams', and what nakshatram wont go with what and all other stuff, which I dont know why, people believe in. I guess its just a filter, an excuse to use, a weapon importantly. Instead of blatantly saying that your daughter didnt like their son's looks, you'd rather polishedly say -"Oh, with our astrologer, the horoscopes didnt match". That beats all reason. How.. how can 2 horoscopes produce different results with different astrologers? Where then is the credibility for the process??? Given a choice, I'd avert all this for sure! I mean, PLEASE!

Then comes the unavoidable close relative circle, the people you really like, your mamas-mamis, athais-athimbers, chithis-chitappas (ok u get the picture!) They're all oh-so-great, till you're a girl at 24 and unmarried! Then all you get is - "Eppo settle aaga pore?" - *(@$)&$)@*$_)@*_
If only we knew! Then back to your parents who get after you to create a 'profile' in tammatrimony... For the life of me, I am doing no such thing... This at the moment is a state-of-denial almost. But thats where it will be..

The whole process is just that - a process.. with so much propriety involved... 2 families involved - all their hopes on your 'alliance'. The steps in the process -
1) Email
2) Phone call
3) Webcam chat
4) Meet the boy/girl
5) One day later -- 'Enaku indha payyan/ponnu ok' - (*&^%^&$&_{(*_{)(&(@&

HOW?????????? Most people I know answer that question by the usual - "When your time comes, you will know". Thats sooo not helpful at all. I swear now, that when my 'time' comes and I 'know', I will publicize it to help the helpless like me! Lol!

30 Things I wouldnt trade for...ordered randomly.. EDITED!

1) My family n friends (am sure everyone thinks the same)
2) My picture collection (its huuuuuuuuuuge!!)
3) The smell of mud after the rain (one of the best smells ever!)
4) My dreams (free entertainment every night)
5) My soft toys
6) Chocolate (to die for!)
7) My pink cellphone (nokia 3100 - old now, still girly.. love it!)
8) My mom's sari that I sleep with
9) My dream car
10) My travel exploits (ones that I've done and once I'd die to do)
11) F-R-I-E-N-D-S
12) My Canon
13) Yapping...
14) AR.Rahman's music
15) Tea (Can hardly live without it)
16) Sleeeeeep
17) Shopping
18) Gmail
19) Watches ( I swear by time.. I'll be damned if I have ever been late to ANY place)
20) Cheap poetry (basic stuff kids write when they're like 10.... The basic rhymes!)
21) A walk in the rain
22) ICECREAM!
23) Shoes
24) Carnatic music
25) Water with ice
26) The ringtone that tells me who's calling
27) Mangoes'n'apples
28) A long drive (by myself - no sweethearts allowed!)
29) Yahoo! Messenger
30) Gossip!!

Ek lambisi love story :)

Fact: Everything I say here is true

Act 1 -- 645 Baldwin Hall, University of Cincinnati

I stared resolutely ahead willing myself to concentrate on what Dr.R was saying, forcing myself not to sneak a peek to my right. I could feel his gaze burn on my cheek. Against my better judgement I peered at him. There they were, his beautiful auburn eyes fixed on my face and an amused smile gracing his lips. I groaned inwardly. It had happened again. The last time it'd happened I'd promised myself to be more careful. Now all those oh-so-nothing smiles and inconsequential 'hi's' had been misinterpreted once again as a window to try and have a fling with me, if nothing less. I had to put an end to this.

His name was some Jaime 'Unpronounceable' and was from Spain. He was my classmate in the BioMEMS class and all through the quarter, we'd hardly exchanged more words than a 'Hi..' or 'How was your holiday?' But me being me, midway through the quarter I'd helped him with some homework and because he seemed shy, I'd coaxed him into a few conversations. He spoke very nice English and was one of those intellectual European men you kept hearing about, but seldom saw. And now, my normality had once again been misinrepreted. The guy probably thought I had a crush on him!

Well, I had to salvage whatever little pride I had! And right through class I mentally rehearsed what had to be told..."We'll pick up from here on Thursday." Dr R's voice interrupted my thoughts, signalling the end of class. The class started bustling with people waking up and strolling towards the door. As I thought he would, he lingered around and I waved Ashwin to leave too as I hung back too. In less than a minute, we were the only two left behind.
"Hi..." I began tentatively. He beamed at me.
"Finally, I have solved the puzzle." He said.
"Huh?"
"You look like the girl my Indian friend has a portrait of." He declared.
My rehearsed speech flew out of the window. This was the last thing I ever expected and words failed me.
"Your friend drew it or has it?" I asked as if the answer made any difference.
"I don't know... He was my roommate back in Madrid in my undergraduate study."
Unintentionally, my heart started racing.
"Where's he now? Are you in touch with him?"
"He's in San Francisco, I think.."

Act 2 -- Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco

The wind was chilly.. I pulled my jacket snugger around myself. My hair was going haywire. But I was supposed to meet Mr.X who made my portrait here. Jamie 'Unpronounceable' had been tardy with the details. He thought it would be romantic to set me up with the guy... And he just asked me to wait at the 5th girder of the golden gate bridge on this day. As I waited in hardly controllable excitement, a young, tall, langly black kid walked up to me and
"Are you Shaya?" I assumed that was the way he said Jaya.
"Yes?"
"Some dude asked me to give you this note.."

The note was vague -- TAKE THE ALCATRAZ CRUISE

What the hell? Here I was, all the way over to the west coast from where I lived, just to unravel this stupid mystery which was prolonging forever. I supposed the guy would meet me on the boat... Wrong again. I did the cruise by myself. As we rounded the Alcatraz, I was lost as to what was happening. The boat ride itself was a pleasure, the wind blowing us away almost... To top it all, they had these gypsies with caged parrots... I ambled over to the parrots which were talking happily (sounds that made no sense to them... words that did make sense to us!) One was a particularly beautiful and reminded of my own 'Pintu' who could say 'Pappi' (my nic). This one started screeching as I went near it... I backed up a little... But in crystal clear words, it looked me right in the eye and said "Go to MarieMont". And he repeated it like a mantra... It was unbelievable. The gypsy woman who trained the parrots looked at me in wonder.
"He's never said anything I havent taught him"
I was left speechless. What could this mean?? MarieMont was this beautiful locality back in Cincinnati... And this had to be a huge practical joke... Having lured me from one coast to the other, this stupid parrot was sending me back! With no sign of Mr.X, I had to go back anyways! Men Suck!

Act 3 -- MarieMont, Cincinnati

The place was just as I had remembered it. I knew of it from my busride to Milford. Its a quaint little town, content in itself... a tiny mall, a high school, a church, gardens, a fountain.. just perfect. I wandered aimlessly. The leaves rustled.. I found myself walking towards the beautiful fountain that formed the fountain square of MarieMont... It has a statue of this man and woman, of Greek times I assume, entwined amongst vines and frozen in a dance step... It was highly romantic... I groaned inwardly and closed my eyes... After everything, the guy was going to turn out to be a loser... If there weren't more steps in the 'guy-hunt'. I mean which sane guy had the time to plan such a rendezvous? And I didnt even know if I was right on track.. What if I'd misinterpreted the parrot as a clue? Surely, that was unplanned? I was a little more wary now... This was all sooo wrong...

Then I don't know why, I felt I had to look up... And I did... There he was, at a distance, walking from the far edge of the garden, towards fountain square...I stood up... This was it... And as if to make the moment significant, the church bells started chiming... They chimed n chimed... And wait a second.. was there something wrong?

Act 4 -- Riddle Road, Cincinnati

8.26 am... Tuesday Morning

Fanaa

Another movie review... Again unwarranted... This time, I must impress on all you folks that untill I saw the movie, the only thing I knew about it was its starcast! So, all the opinions formed are mine... And if I have anyone to blame for expecting too much, its my bro... who gave me high hopes by saying that Kajol looked stunning and it was her best performance to date... That Aamir was his usual self... That though the movie was slow, it was good. So, here goes..

The movie began at the pace that normal life goes... They could probably represent 24 hours as 24 hours which goes to say, yes, it was slow! And Kajol did look gorgeous and Aamir looked drunk (I mean we all know he's no longer the chocolate boy we drooled over) but the bags beneath his eyes suggested he'd aged 10 years in a day... (Aamir fans like me can relax - he looks better as the movie progresses)

The one major underlying thing I never understood was the romance between the two. They are both Kashmiri Muslims... And she's blind.. And her parents (rishi kapoor and Kiron Kher) are more liberal than the most modern of Indian parents (I mean which parent tells a blind daughter she better go to Delhi to find her Shehzada??) And well, the love itself.. How did it happen? He seems like a street tapori at start and the 'shayars' after a stage are unbearable and have the audience around ranting some of their own (believe me that makes it even more difficult on what seems to be a boring movie!) And in no time, they've hooked up... Three dates later, they've slept together! (India must be bleeding tears for its culture) And as in all movies - One time is once too many... Ofcourse she gets pregnant! Everytime there's a hint of a romance, you can hear ARR crooning 'SubhanAllah' in the backdrop and after a stage, we started singing 'SubhanAllah' when we thought it was romantic... Cruelly, it never featured onscreen!

Then comes the transformation... The Tapori becomes a Terrorist.. He stages his death to his blind girlfiend (who he thankfully gets operated for her blindness and eventually cured -- This makes you wonder if the affluent parents had adopted her, having not thought of surgery for their daugther themselves) And the long-locks Aamir (going by the character name Rehan - u hear soo much of it) gives way to a crewcut terrorist in Indian army uniform. The mission ofcourse has been tried and tested - a series of bombs that can explode lakhs of people, that can be triggered by 12 identical 'triggers'. Our hero (well, villain if you insist) is on the snow, dodging the many snipers and copters chasing one man. Ofcourse these actual 'army' men have been put to task by Tabu. What prompted her to take such a lame role is beyond my imagination. She's the officer-in-charge of the operation to chase down Rehan. If Rehan was for real, he'd make India proud at the Olympics with his sureshot.. with a single pistol and a single shot, he can gun down copters.. while the poor Indian army, equipped with machine guns just about manages to wound him slightly.

As Fate would have it, the wounded 'hero' in the snow blizzard seeks solace at a solitary wooden mansion amidst the snow... And who must open the door... SubhanAllah!

His now-seeing gf obviously doesnt recognize him (she must've gotten her ears operated as well coz she cant recognize his voice either!) Their kid, now 5, is also called Rehan.. He's a cutie most of the time but can get on your nerves some other... Progressing with the crawling story, finally Aamir confesses that he is Rehan and to cut a long story short, they get married. Shortly after, a news item on NDTV speaks of our terrorist and slaps the 'trigger' in possession with him as an identity. And guess who must come across the trigger in Rehan's jacket pocket (thats such an innovative place to hide such an important thing) but Rishi daddy! He conceals his knowledge just enough to drive Rehan to a fellow officer's house before confronting him. In a 2 minute sequence, before you can follow whats happening, Rishi falls off the cliff by accident! But this is what clinches it... By the time Aamir informs his fellow terrorists he is safe and so is the trigger and is back downhill home, Rishi's body travels in a glacier of ice and finds itself lodged right in his backyard where his daughter (Kajol) sees everything and pieces the story together!!! AMAZING!

The climax ofcourse is dramatic... Kajol tries to flee with her son from her terrorist hubby... And cutting a huge sequence down, begs him to surrender. When he refuses and walks towards his granddad (bada terrorist) to hand over the 'trigger', Kajol begs him once more and resolutely guns him down....

Phew!

Final verdict: 4/10 The story was soo confused... At times, they tried to make it an undying love story and at others, some patriotism-spangled affair... The end product is a confused mess, giving importance to neither... This is Kajol's comeback movie... She's not lost her touch and this performance will work for her... Why Aamir did this movie is questionable.. I guess SRK couldnt be a terrorist if he wanted to.. Tabu - what a waste of talent... Case rested.

Da Vinci Code -- decoded!

Disclaimer: Unknowingly there maybe some spoilers here.. If you have read the book or seen the movie, don't bother... If not, you can wait to read this one!

Ok.. here I am at last obliging the many requests to write a review about the most-anticipated movie of the year... Finally it was opening night on Friday and I was about to see the movie I'd waited for about an year.. I've never quite seen AMC this overflowing... we were a bunch of 8 and we couldnt find any seating together, however close to the screen.. And so we split up and sat where we could... Having heard the critics review at Cannes, I'd dipped my expectations of the movie to a rock-bottom and now all I wanted to do was enjoy the adaptation...

It began... At the outset, in the first 15 minutes of the movie, I can probably point out some 30 things that deviated from the book.. not trivial.. not major... but to the book's fan, a definite minus point, especially because one couldnt explain why Langdon would be a suspect to Fache if he was interrupted by Collet at the lecture around the time of the murder! Didn't make sense! Putting that behind you would be a smart idea and let you enjoy the rest of the movie..

For most part in the first half, things move real fast and as someone who'd read the book more than once, I didnt understand how people who hadnt read it would warm up to the pace in the movie... But I had more things to think about.. Tom Hanks is an awesome star, but looked a little bit too old even for Langdon's character who is about 40... And Audrey was a near-perfect fit for Sophie, who's also French... And it all gelled, except that as my roommate put it, the two stars were a bit too 'deadpan' in their expressions... But then, its no secret that both the book and the movie are all about the plot that unfolds and performances could be compromised for the events that were unravelling...

After Teabing (Ian McKellen - Gandalf in LOTR) came onscreen, no one else stood a chance.. The casting was sooo perfect and he was brilliant and totally stole the show.. It was captivating and the sequence that I got a little bored in the book (the Grail explanation to Sophie by Robert n Teabing) was shown far more interesting in the movie.. And the screenplay was good in particular... The way they decoded the 'Last Supper', the way they enlightened the blade n chalice.. And in general, the way the movie flashbacks abruptly in a newspaper print fashion was particularly brilliant...

The movie gained pace and before you knew it, they had the cryptex (which is pleasingly exactly what one would have imagined it to be -- no disappointments here). But they did eat away the dual cryptex concept and simplistically stuck to just one (The SOFIA thingie was ignored). As the plot thickened, what amazed me the most was the exact locations that the movie was shot at... Here credit is due to Dan Brown himself for having made lucid descriptions of all those churches and otherwise as they unfolded in 'flesh n blood' in the movie and were exactly as I had imagined... They were breathtaking...

Another amazing facet of the movie was the 'makeup'. Silas' bloodied back and punctured thigh (from the cilice) couldnt have been more perfect if he'd really punctured it! Bloody, yet brilliant! And the sudden attacks that he made was terriffic shock elements that startled almost everyone... You knew it was coming.. yet not the way it did! At this juncture I must mention that some facts felt twisted --
1) The connection between Fache n Aringarosa was revealed too early
2) Aringarosa was shown a bad guy
3) They overstretched the well-shaft incident for Langdon bringing in some Christ belief, etc...

After the 'APPLE' cryptex got open, someone like me would remember the book ending in a few chapters and 20 pages at the most. The movie however dragged one full half hour after that... I couldnt take it at that point.. It felt like it went on forever... There were some unnecessary scenes of Langdon enlightening Sophie at a basement library (which isnt there in the book)..

Here I must mention that the last scene, where Langdon realises where the sacrophagus of Mary Magdalene is, is one of the best shot scenes in any movie.. The way the camera takes you right to the bottom of the 2 pyramids of Louvre is absolutely breathtaking and leaves a feel-good feeling from the movie..

All in all, its surely not one of those movies that leaves you complaining every 5 seconds that it didnt match the book (well the story line didnt - here n there, but they pretty much stuck to most of the facts), the locations make the movie worth a watch and.. I am surely visiting the Louvre sometime in the future. :-)

The red shirt

"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong." - Murphy's Law

What better example than today? I begain today as my Thursday mornings go.. Group meeting in the morning.. I'd worn one of my favorite tees- a bright red one thats won me a lot of compliments, but in essence a simple red button-down t-shirt... I didnt think anything of it as I pulled it off the hanger from my closet this morning. Little did I know what the day had planned for it...

First sign - As I walked from my office in ERC to my lab in Rhodes, I pressed against the corridor to allow someone pushing a cart to pass. Alas! As I regained stride, my t-shirt pulled at a loose nail and ripped at the bottom.. I was bugged... But there was nothing that could be done now.. I called n awoke my sleeping roommate and asked her to bring me a spare. Till then I would have to manage with this one at the meeting... No biggie..

Second sign - People in close quarters with me will tell you that I do things very fast, almost as if I am in a hurry to finish everything. Thats not the case really.. but I do tend to speed up a li'l.. The best example is of my 'nathanaar' duties at my bro's wedding. Even while I watch the tape, it looks like my actions have been fastforwarded!! I guess all that adrenaline in me needs some outlet! Ok.. back to the meeting... We were having coffee, the one delightful part of the meeting.. Well, to cut a loooong story short, I spilt some over the front of my t-shirt and had to go to the washroom right away.

Third sign - Imagine my horror when I dabbed at the coffee stain with a napkin soaked in water, tiny, almost minuscule holes started appearing at random places on the t-shirt!! I was flabbergasted to say the minimal... But then I figured that I must've spilt some acid on the poor tee before and washing it in water seals the deal (remember how our chem labcoats used to become back in school??) Did u think my sob story was over? Not quite... Read on...

Sign of four - My roomie brings me this cheery candy pink t-shirt. One slight problem - I think its slightly transparent.. And today was the ONE awesome day I didnt bring any sweater or sweatshirt! How tragic can life get?? I actually had to go to the campus bookstore and buy one of their overpriced t-shirts on sale!

Reminders n requests: 1) Anyone who feels bad for me after this t-shirt fiasco and wants to buy me clothes - DON'T BUY ME RED (Have tooooo many of 'em - Any other colours are moooost welcome)
2) If each person I narrate this story to paid me a dollar, I would've looooong reimbursed the 18 bucks I spent on the bookstore one.