Playing Mommy?

I saw a screen t-shirt that someone was wearing yesterday at school. It read "I don't need to have kids. I married one." Yes, it's funny. And I know it's supposed to mean that the person they married is childish. But it also set me thinking on a parallel track. On whether some of the new generation married people had gotten the whole marriage deal right. I, for one think that many women tend to turn their mommy-ing instincts to the wrong object of attention - their husbands. Maybe that's because of the lesser age difference between couples these days as opposed to our previous generations, as SM pointed out. And of course, not being one of them ensures that I can look at it objectively and point out how weird the whole idea is.

Sometimes it's tempting I suppose to tell someone you can, for example your husband to do certain things. And well in the grand scheme of things, you are replacing his mom's role in his life, in that you take care of him now. So it's easy to place a misguided sense of babying on the husband and what's worse is that I've seen some men enjoy it and wrongfully take that to mean that their wife "loves them so much". Don't get me wrong... I love my husband as much as the next girl on the street loves hers, but I don't take it up to me to baby him around. He is free to do what he pleases however and whenever he wants. For instance, although I enjoy eating together with him, my rumbling tummy has sometimes propelled me to the dinner table sooner than him. And I know when he is hungry he'll eat. I don't have to keep going on about it or worse, spoon-feed him. Believe me, I've seen that happen. So what's wrong with that? Many women in the situation, I think want to make sure that they are a stellar wife. While it's easy to understand that urge, it does affect you finally. How? It makes your husband depend on you too much, makes him unwilling to do anything unless exclusively requested or told and anything that remains undone will turn out to be your fault because you did do it sometime in the past. And then throw-in the baby-talk and you have a muddle here. Yes, we all have pet nicknames for the 'significant other'. But does it really have to go- 'Does my honey-bunny need a huggie-buggie?' or something? Sorry if that sounded weird.

I guess it's time for wives to realize that they can be stellar in their "wifely" duties without going overboard. Being attentive is an entirely different thing than being nagging. They can be compassionate without being smothering. And if they are too much 'in-love' to notice it, maybe the husband who no doubt enjoys all the attention for a while should snap out of it and point it out. Think of it this way. As a wife, Mothering may just be smothering.

This week last year and the other 51 in between..

This day last year, was the night before my Mehendi ceremony in preparation for the wedding on the 1st of February. And whenever I see those photos (which is very often), I feel like I can still smell the mehendi as well. In soo many ways it feels like it all happened just yesterday. But it didn't... there were 363 days in between (it was Leap year last year before you mathematical geniuses pounce in to correct me). And I am no longer the same person that I was last year. Sure, we all change gradually over time. But Marriage eases in a lot more changes, in lifestyle, in responsibilities, and in a lot more subtle ways that you won't realize till you've tied the knot and lived your partner. And for everyone who is yet to marry, you don't know your partner till you've lived with them. And this holds good for both the arranged marriage and the 'love' marriage scenarios. Sure you've spent hours on the phone, gone on 'dates', hung out with friends... anything and everything. But none of that is any indication of what's to come. It's not daunting... nor scary. It's just the reality. If you've lived with roommates, you may think you're semi-prepared. I don't think so. In this case, you can't mind your own business and seek peace. Instead you seek to be involved... to meld your lives together... to find things to do together, etc. It's what I tell my friends. It takes a while to find your "groove" with your husband (or wife). To accept and understand the important things like eating/sleeping habits/likes/dislikes to the stupid and frivolous ones - loudness/speed of talking or eating with a munching sound (each person has some peeves - I have one... I can't go without correcting pronunciation - I just can't let it be). Everyone has some quirks.. But when it's your friend, it's far easier to let them be. I don't know why. Maybe you have higher standards for your partner (which is sooo good in a million other ways). Be that as it may, it takes a while before you find that comfort zone (the groove). Though you think you should tell each other everything... it's not that easy at first, unless you've had a long friendship history. Even then, it takes a while... especially if it's something that is on their side of the fence, like say, you wanted to bitch about one of his friends. It's something you would broach cautiously and proceed only if you received an inviting response. And of course there are fights. For anyone who thinks that the marriage is a wholesome honeymoon, surely for the first year at least, think again. The fights maybe absolutely dumb... but they show up their ugly face at some point or the other. And yes of course, you get through it, you make compromises and sometimes promises you know you won't keep. But it's all part of the game and helps you get through it and makes you and your bond stronger.

As a married woman (sob sob), I have learnt to stock the refrigerator (veggies, milk) and , the kitchen (dal, rice, spices, blah) and the bathroom (read shampoo, toothpaste, soap, conditioner, cleaner, brush, etc.) before anything runs out. I have learnt to make dinner almost every night no matter how tiring the day, how late I come, because it's a small something I want to do for my proper-ghar ka khana-deprived husband. I have learnt to get up earlier than him every morning and have hot tea ready for us as he rises and I let him shower and leave before me as he has a longer journey to work to endure. I have learnt to pack him lunch every day that it is possible. I have learnt to stock his cupboard after the laundry. I have learnt to pack both our things for trips. In short, I have learnt to run the house the way our moms did in this one short year. I am sure S has learnt many new things through the course of the year too... but you are going to have to ask him to know what they are (wicked grin).

So from everything that I have seen, the first year of the marriage is actually a long lesson. You learn so many things, about each other, your habits, personality and generally co-existing with one another and loving every moment of it (almost!). I guess it's during this year that the old-shoe feeling slowly start setting in. Sure, you still like to dress very well when going out with him... but you know it's not necessary. He's the same guy who sees you in your ratty old PJs at the end of the day too. The total comfort zone. That's what marriage ends up as I guess. And yes, that's the best-case-scenario.

Commitment freaks

Disclaimer: This blog was written at one stretch... If somethings don't make sense, it's okay because they probably aren't meant to. This is just me thinking aloud and as parallel thoughts explode, so does the breadth of the topic.

Recently I've been hearing about soo many of my friends stuck in 'dead-end relationships'. And I used to think "commitment issues" was a thing of the west. And restricted to men. But evidently in the Indian community there are no such restrictions. It seems to work both ways. And it bugs both sexes just the same. When I used to see Chandler on "Friends" or heard Niles tell Frasier to "commit to commitment", I found myself shaking my head disbelievingly. I used to think that it was funny that in the Western world that people dated all over the place, even had a physical relationship and still found saying the words "I love you" as a big step in the relationship. We Indians were different I thought. Needless to say, I don't agree with how the Indian marriages worked in the past where the parents alone met up and decided everything while the ones getting married had the least-valued opinions. Things have changed these days... a lot of them for the better. Even in the quintessential "arranged marriage", the girl and guy these days have a perfectly good acquaintance period before they decide on tying the knot. Of course, the concept of "arranged marriage" is unheard of outside India and a few of it's neighbours. And every new day seems to bring out horrific stories that I don't want to talk about. The only thing I'd like to say is that while "arranging" these marriages, people had better be pretty thorough researching personal backgrounds. However now, with a whole bunch of kids from the country now settled abroad and with India advancing the western way, a lot of youngsters these days find themselves in romantic relationships at a much younger age than ever before by Indian standards. I do not wish to talk about the romance of people under 21.. the typical college romance... the out-of-sight-out-of-mind variety. But this is about the more mature romance that comes a bit later in life.. when you have your career goals in sight, when you know what you want for your future and when you meet the 'right' person where everything clicks... or so you think. What if one side wants marriage while the other is just playing the field? Catastrophe. In most cases, these discussions come up sooner than later through the 'dating phase'. And all's well when both persons are on the same page... and is obviously not when they're not. And really, there do exist storybook romances where all's well that ends well. But this isn't about them or those Shakespearan romances... where the families reigned supreme and where movies got most of their plots. These days the issue lies with one of the 2 involved in the romance... for the want of different things. What then? The easier said than done thing to do would be to break it off and look for someone who wants the same things as you do. But very few people do it at the right time and healthily so that the 'friendship' if there was one can be salvaged. More often than not, a 'rejection' comes with tears, a broken heart and a lost friendship. And some other times, it's not even worth saving the friendship because of the fact that the basis was very flimsy... and in such cases the smartest thing to do would be to sever all ties and never look back and look ahead with no regrets whatsoever. Once again, easier said than done. What is it about a potential 'marriage' that seems to knock the brains off a normally very sane person? The changes involved? The lifetime clause? What?

Having been married for year now, I can proudly say that my life has undergone the minimal possible change that is associated with marriage. Yes, I did move continents.. but that was it. Yes, I had to leave behind a lot of near n dear friends... but I am in touch with them just the same. Otherwise, I find that living with my husband is like living with my best friend. And I mean that in the nicest way possible and yes of course there are added perks. But the bottom line is that we love spending time together, with friends or by ourselves, which is the basic reason that our lives have melded together and there is no big "lifetime" clause that haunts anything around us. Which is the reason we got married in the first place.

I think that though 'marriage' in itself projects a vast change on the upfront, the actual changes that happen in one's life are very gradual. They ease in and they are because of the choices that one makes by him/herself. And while many people seem to assume that they can't have 'fun' after marriage, I just think it shows their fear of commitment. They can smell that something is becoming big and they are afraid that they are going to lose their individuality... Like many of my numbered 'single' friends have the complaint that couples "we" things. There's not much of a "I'd love to come even though my husband's ill" or a "He's going bowling but I'd rather sit and chat with you". Rather it's more like "We'll join you all for hiking" or a "We have plans for Valentine's Day". Well, duh... That's sort of the concept. And while I think all couples should do their own non-coupley things once in a while, it is not out of the ordinary that more often than not they do a common thing. And the complaints are from the ones who are single alone, right? Once they get married, they start "we"-ing things too.

So what's the bottom line? Marriage isn't scary, especially if you've known the person for a while and like most things that you've seen thus far... It's like embarking on anything big in life... like deciding to go abroad to do your Masters... No one knows how these things turn out.. You just hope for the best and but your best foot forward. As with all big things, take the plunge and don't look back. Of course, make sure while taking the plunge, you are as sure as you can be that it's the right person. How do you know that? It's probably what got you thinking about marriage in the first place when you associated it with that person. And as Niles would say, commit to commitment. Period.

Love-o-logy

Finally I feel content to say that we live in the age of love... where true love prevails... where so many of my friends have fallen in love and made unions of their choice and not through matrimonial services. I have been fortunate enough to witness inter-caste marriages, inter-lingual marriages and even inter-religious marriages and all of this within India... that is a huge deal. What's bigger is the consent of the older generation. Almost everything I've witnessed has been lovingly arranged by the families themselves... In the stories where there are 2 different traditions to choose from, both have been duly upheld causing no grief to anyone involved. It's all very feel-good. And importantly, I applaud the older generation for taking it in their stride and consenting to what their children think is best for them. Instead of the old-fashioned dramas that our Indian soaps never fail to portray... threats ranging from 'cutting off the will' to suicide. Futile and stupid. Finally the generation that is getting married are treated as adults and allowed to choose their partners, trust their judgements and plan their lives together. This face of India is almost unrecognizable from the days barely 20 years ago when the bride and groom 'met' at the mandap. At least the urban face of India. But even the rural part has come a long way in this regard. In comparison to the past of course. I know now, for instance that in my grandma's village the girl can turn down the proposal... that she is asked for consent before proceeding with the arranged alliance. At least that saves a lot of unnecessary bride burning and other mental trauma that goes with the territory. Lets hope India has more n more development to offer in many diverse areas in the years to come.

Wife or Cook?

The idea behind this post just sprung from a chat conversation with my bro. We were discussing the ongoing bride-hunt for a cousin bro, who is I am unhappy to say younger than me. He barely turned 25 a few months ago and out came the horoscopes and the whole rigamarole of mixing and the matching began. I expressed my views on the whole new arranged marriage deal in this post. Hearing about it all over again, this time with a cousin was a reaffirmation of how the process hasn't really come a long way from back in the days when my parents got married (except for the technology that is).

Wanting to probe into this deeper, I actually asked my Patti, whom I consider a key figure in expediting wedding procedures (well if you think she's been patient in my case, I assure you that it has taken her monumental effort and the only reason she's as cool as a cucumber is that she didn't have any searching to do!) a whole bunch of nagging questions.

Me: Avanuku ipo kalyanam pannikarthuku enna avalo avasaram? Innum 1-2 years pogatume. (Whats the rush for him to get married? Can't it wait a couple of years?)
Patti: Illa dee... Iruvathi anju vayasu ayachu... Engineering mudichachu.. nalla velaila irukan... samblam koodindu iruku... Jaipur la thaniya irukane... Kalyanam aana veeta paathuka yaravadhu irupa la... (No dee.. He's 25, Has completed a degree in Engineering, has a good job, has an increasing salary, is alone in Jaipur.. If he gets married there will be someone to take care of the house)

Me: Basically, veeta paathuka dhaan pondati. (You need a wife to take care of the house?)
Patti: Cha cha.. Illa dee... Avanuku vela velaiku vidha vidhama samachu poda yaravadhu irupa la... (Not at all.. Someone has to be there to cook a large variety of food for him for every meal)

Me: So samayalkaari nu solla vare.. (Oh you need a cook then..)
Patti: Paithyakara thanama edhavadhu solladhe.. Kala kaalathuku kalyanam panna dhaan azhaga irukum. Apram aathukararku samaikardhoda enna velai? (Don't talk nonsense. If you get them married early only, it looks nice. What better work than cook for the husband?)

Thats what I am talking about... Most single men away from their mollycuddled homes tend to get married early... not because they are financially sound and can support another individual, etc. But from the elderly perspective apparently to have a cook free-of-charge! I am not generalizing... For all I know, this is a TamBrahm trait.