Grey Matters

This series of posts is written in collaboration with my mental-twin, Vidhya. We're calling it the VJ Diaries.

As children we are taught how some things are right and some are wrong. It's pretty simple, really. You copy on a test - that's wrong. You report someone who bullied you to the teacher - that's right. Lying is definitely a big resounding wrong. Easy enough, right? Well, at that tender age, probably yes. As we grow up, the matters that concern us are not so simple, nor are the answers to the seemingly simple question - Is that the right thing to do? The motivation behind this post was a recent discussion that we were having. It was based on the movie, A Wednesday. You can read a short review here. At it's core the discussion involved the ending of the movie, as to whether it was 'right' for the police officer to let the civilian who got 4 terrorists killed go scot-free or not. However, the discussion transcended the movie and went on to generic issues as well. On how it was no longer a simple yes or a no answer (black or white) once issues increased in complexity. Take the Mumbai terrorist attacks of 26/11 for example, can one completely answer the basic question of - Should the last remaining terrorist, Kasab, be given a lawyer for defence? The answer to this question is likely to vary with every person that you ask, based on their connection to the Mumbai attacks, based on whether they lost someone they knew in it, based on whether they live/lived in Mumbai, have family there and probably a million other factors. Sure, the textbook answer, if we were still children, would be pretty black n white - Yes, legally he is required to be given a lawyer. It's not that easy when your age and comprehension of matters increase. It all fades into a zone somewhere in between... something grey - an answer with arguments playing on both sides, something that different factions of people will agree/disagree with - the grey area.

In life, you either turn out to be a black n white person or a grey person. Most of us knowingly fit into the grey zone. You are surely 'greyed' if you've ever considered the other side of things in any matter. Killing someone for instance is a crime punishable with death. However what about cases where it was self defense or life long emotional and physical abuse (as shown in the movie "Provoked")... The black n white people would be crystal clear in claiming murder is murder and punishment should be irrespective. However if you contend that circumstances of the crime should be an essential factor in deciding the punishment, you sure as hell are a 'grey' person. And it's far easier to forgive/forget things and view things objectively when you are not at it's core. Take the Mumbai attacks again, it's all faded away in the hearts and minds of many living abroad who've never lived in Mumbai or don't have family there, etc. only because it's hard for them to relate to and not because they don't care. The fire for justice still burns strong in everyone else who's actually more involved in it and that is why so many of us think it's ridiculous for some lawyers to offer to represent the lone remaining terrorist for a 'fair trial'. I bet the family of the terrorist, however against all reason, hope something comes off it and the guy is spared. It's all about perception and the side/faction to which you belong.

The other thing is that obviously the black n white people and the grey people don't see eye to eye on many things. While the grey people realize the fact that most of our decisions and views are colored by our emotions, the black n white people probably (Don Quixote-cally) view everything in terms of logic. Logic. Logic is something that entirely justifies things but can also be just as easily thrown out of the window by any other strong human emotion. That doesn't make logic wrong. It just means that logic has been overpowered and most often, quite involuntarily. How many times have we been caught in a situation of having done something illogical because of love/anger/hate or anything else? Quite a few, I'd bet. Eventually it's upto us to accept that while in life, being black n white would probably make a pretty picture, nothing really is. It's all pretty muddled.. All monochrome n grey.

Bharati

I had the opportunity to catch a live show right here in Paris... and it was a Bollywood show at that. It was a Bollywood musical called "Bharati" featuring an all-Indian cast at a huge auditorium here. The French turned up in thousands to watch and appreciate a show with songs they couldn't identify with. However, the narration was in French and by that Swades uncle (Rahul Vora - who comes as Mohan Bhargava's friend). And he speaks awesome French. Wiki-ing him later revealed that he holds a Master's degree in French. So no wonder. The story is quite cliché in the Bollywood scheme of things. NRI Boy meets village belle. Falls head over heels in love. Dad is strict. Of course there's another contender. But true love prevails. All this told with hit Bollywood numbers amongst which are Silsila ye chahat (Devdas), Bole choodiyan (K3G), Maiya maiya (Guru) and a couple of regional Tamil/Telugu hits as well. The singing was excellent and dancing outstanding. You can read more about the show here -http://www.bharatitheshow.com/music.php. It was excellent overall and what made it more enjoyable was the whole atmosphere. The French people absolutely loved everything. They were very appreciative, applauded like crazy, followed dance steps and even gave a standing ovation. And the girl who played Bharati, Bhavna Pani deserves a special mention. She was mindblowing. The fact that the people around us enjoyed it so much made it easy for us to enjoy it as well. You can catch a few videos on Youtube if you are intrigued. In all, it seemed like a very civilized way to spend an evening in Paris.

Playing Mommy?

I saw a screen t-shirt that someone was wearing yesterday at school. It read "I don't need to have kids. I married one." Yes, it's funny. And I know it's supposed to mean that the person they married is childish. But it also set me thinking on a parallel track. On whether some of the new generation married people had gotten the whole marriage deal right. I, for one think that many women tend to turn their mommy-ing instincts to the wrong object of attention - their husbands. Maybe that's because of the lesser age difference between couples these days as opposed to our previous generations, as SM pointed out. And of course, not being one of them ensures that I can look at it objectively and point out how weird the whole idea is.

Sometimes it's tempting I suppose to tell someone you can, for example your husband to do certain things. And well in the grand scheme of things, you are replacing his mom's role in his life, in that you take care of him now. So it's easy to place a misguided sense of babying on the husband and what's worse is that I've seen some men enjoy it and wrongfully take that to mean that their wife "loves them so much". Don't get me wrong... I love my husband as much as the next girl on the street loves hers, but I don't take it up to me to baby him around. He is free to do what he pleases however and whenever he wants. For instance, although I enjoy eating together with him, my rumbling tummy has sometimes propelled me to the dinner table sooner than him. And I know when he is hungry he'll eat. I don't have to keep going on about it or worse, spoon-feed him. Believe me, I've seen that happen. So what's wrong with that? Many women in the situation, I think want to make sure that they are a stellar wife. While it's easy to understand that urge, it does affect you finally. How? It makes your husband depend on you too much, makes him unwilling to do anything unless exclusively requested or told and anything that remains undone will turn out to be your fault because you did do it sometime in the past. And then throw-in the baby-talk and you have a muddle here. Yes, we all have pet nicknames for the 'significant other'. But does it really have to go- 'Does my honey-bunny need a huggie-buggie?' or something? Sorry if that sounded weird.

I guess it's time for wives to realize that they can be stellar in their "wifely" duties without going overboard. Being attentive is an entirely different thing than being nagging. They can be compassionate without being smothering. And if they are too much 'in-love' to notice it, maybe the husband who no doubt enjoys all the attention for a while should snap out of it and point it out. Think of it this way. As a wife, Mothering may just be smothering.

Boot camp

Ever made a choice that you know in your heart is going to bite you in the ass but you still make it anyways hoping against hope that you might just be wrong? I do and I did. I chose fashion over comfort and I promise that it's the last freaking time. I chose to wear boots to our Rome trip rather than my trusty old sneakers. Mind you, these boots were as comfortable as any other pair of shoes that I had on flat terrain. So basically, I chose heels over flats. And that's enough to wreck a good part of a weekend especially if you are trotting around from one attraction to another just coz it seems sooo nearby (while in reality it most certainly is not). Oh and did I mention that Rome doesn't have roads? Instead it has what is called a Viae, which is basically many polished stones laid next to each other and the gaps between them filled with rubble. It's very European and is the predecessor of our modern day tar roads and that means there are a lot of ups and downs on the walkways. So, it's quite a challenge walking without falling with heel boots and add to that the pressure on the soles and heels of your feet. By the end of Day 1, I was sure I was blistering because my feet were pretty darn sore and tender and I would've utterly wasted the Day 2 if I didn't do what was the only sensible thing to do out there. Buy a pair of flats. And that's 15€ that I am never regretting. This one was a perfect decision.

A-Roma-therapy

We were in Rome this last weekend. And we had a total blast... a cultural lesson in the lap of one of the most ancient and richest empires in the world, Italian food... cappucinos, the works, we had it all. And we drank in the sights, sounds, and smells of the imperial city. Here's one sight, a sight to remember, one of the Seven wonders of the World, the Colosseum.



There's more to come... Enjoy!

Hotel-style vathakozhambu

Ever had vathakozhambu at a Tamil restaurant, like Sangeetha in Chennai? It's absolutely divine and nothing they make at home comes close to that. There's something different. Introducing, hotel-style vathakozhambu - the thicker, tangier and infinitely more delectable dish than it's pale counterpart, the home-style vathakozhambu. Today for some reason when I was day dreaming food, I got reminded of this vathakozhambu that we got when we had the Meals at Sangeetha. And I had to make it for dinner. Usually, I make the normal one that our moms teach us to make... the one that all you chefs have attempted at least once. But here's how to do it hotel-style. It's almost like a kootu consistency. And with no real recipe online, I pride myself as the first one that I know of attempting this novel approach, and having success with it whilst sharing it. Yo!

Ingredients -(If you are familiar with normal vathakozhambu, skip this)

1. Something vathhal (this is the dried veggie bit that you fry to add taste to the whole concoction like sundakka, manathakali keerai, etc.) - I didn't have any, so I skipped this.

2. Onions (if you have the small bulb ones, they are the best) - 4 if they are medium sized, finely chopped.

3. Tomatoes - 1 large, finely chopped

4. Tamarind - small lemon-sized

5. For seasoning and cooking - oil (preferably sesame oil (yellu yennai/til ka tel), mustard seeds curry leaves, 2 dried red chilis, 2 tablespoons of channa dal a pinch of asfoetida and vathakozhambu powder/sambar powder.

6. Salt to taste

How

1. On a saucepan, add 1 spoon of sesame oil and fry half the onions whilst adding salt so that the onions release their juices.

2. Once the onions become translucent, add the chopped tomatoes and about 1/4th the raw tamarind to it and fry for sometime more till you are sure that the raw flavour of the onions/tomatoes is gone. This usually takes 4-5 minutes on medium-high flame and you can see that the tomatoes have lost all firmness and have released their juices into the mixture as well.

3. Add 1 spoon of vathakozhambu/sambar powder and fry for 1 more minute. Set aside.

4. Meanwhile, on a separate saucepan (or the same one, once you empty it), add another spoon of sesame oil. Allow mustard seeds to crackle, add the asfoetida, the red chilis whilst crushing them with your fingers, the channa dal and the curry leaves.

5. Once the chilis turn semi-dark and the curry leaves lose their sprightly green, add the remaining onions to be cooked thoroughly. Add salt and give it a stir or two.

6. Meanwhile, make pulp off the remaining tamarind upto about 1 cup and add this tamarind pulp to the onions and allow to boil.

7. The mixture that you had set aside should've cooled considerably. Give it a quick run in the mixer to make a coarse paste.

8. Add this paste to the boiling stuff in the saucepan and set to boil having ensured that the entire paste is mixed in.

9. Taste to see if the salt/tanginess and the spice are as per taste. Add condiments as desired.

10. Season with washed curry leaves. And voila!

While it may not look as thick as it is, I assure you that it is kootu consistency and absolutely yummy. So, what does that go with? My trademark paruppu usili, of course! If you want the recipe to that, check the comments of this post.

Give them a try n report back! Bon appetit!

This week last year and the other 51 in between..

This day last year, was the night before my Mehendi ceremony in preparation for the wedding on the 1st of February. And whenever I see those photos (which is very often), I feel like I can still smell the mehendi as well. In soo many ways it feels like it all happened just yesterday. But it didn't... there were 363 days in between (it was Leap year last year before you mathematical geniuses pounce in to correct me). And I am no longer the same person that I was last year. Sure, we all change gradually over time. But Marriage eases in a lot more changes, in lifestyle, in responsibilities, and in a lot more subtle ways that you won't realize till you've tied the knot and lived your partner. And for everyone who is yet to marry, you don't know your partner till you've lived with them. And this holds good for both the arranged marriage and the 'love' marriage scenarios. Sure you've spent hours on the phone, gone on 'dates', hung out with friends... anything and everything. But none of that is any indication of what's to come. It's not daunting... nor scary. It's just the reality. If you've lived with roommates, you may think you're semi-prepared. I don't think so. In this case, you can't mind your own business and seek peace. Instead you seek to be involved... to meld your lives together... to find things to do together, etc. It's what I tell my friends. It takes a while to find your "groove" with your husband (or wife). To accept and understand the important things like eating/sleeping habits/likes/dislikes to the stupid and frivolous ones - loudness/speed of talking or eating with a munching sound (each person has some peeves - I have one... I can't go without correcting pronunciation - I just can't let it be). Everyone has some quirks.. But when it's your friend, it's far easier to let them be. I don't know why. Maybe you have higher standards for your partner (which is sooo good in a million other ways). Be that as it may, it takes a while before you find that comfort zone (the groove). Though you think you should tell each other everything... it's not that easy at first, unless you've had a long friendship history. Even then, it takes a while... especially if it's something that is on their side of the fence, like say, you wanted to bitch about one of his friends. It's something you would broach cautiously and proceed only if you received an inviting response. And of course there are fights. For anyone who thinks that the marriage is a wholesome honeymoon, surely for the first year at least, think again. The fights maybe absolutely dumb... but they show up their ugly face at some point or the other. And yes of course, you get through it, you make compromises and sometimes promises you know you won't keep. But it's all part of the game and helps you get through it and makes you and your bond stronger.

As a married woman (sob sob), I have learnt to stock the refrigerator (veggies, milk) and , the kitchen (dal, rice, spices, blah) and the bathroom (read shampoo, toothpaste, soap, conditioner, cleaner, brush, etc.) before anything runs out. I have learnt to make dinner almost every night no matter how tiring the day, how late I come, because it's a small something I want to do for my proper-ghar ka khana-deprived husband. I have learnt to get up earlier than him every morning and have hot tea ready for us as he rises and I let him shower and leave before me as he has a longer journey to work to endure. I have learnt to pack him lunch every day that it is possible. I have learnt to stock his cupboard after the laundry. I have learnt to pack both our things for trips. In short, I have learnt to run the house the way our moms did in this one short year. I am sure S has learnt many new things through the course of the year too... but you are going to have to ask him to know what they are (wicked grin).

So from everything that I have seen, the first year of the marriage is actually a long lesson. You learn so many things, about each other, your habits, personality and generally co-existing with one another and loving every moment of it (almost!). I guess it's during this year that the old-shoe feeling slowly start setting in. Sure, you still like to dress very well when going out with him... but you know it's not necessary. He's the same guy who sees you in your ratty old PJs at the end of the day too. The total comfort zone. That's what marriage ends up as I guess. And yes, that's the best-case-scenario.